Mariska Hargitay is opening up about a sexual assault she said she experienced in her 30s.
In a personal essay she wrote for People, the "Law & Order: Special Victims Unit" star, who is known for playing Detective Olivia Benson on the hit show, revealed that the alleged perpetrator was a friend, whom she did not name.
"It wasn't sexual at all," Hargitay wrote. "It was dominance and control. Overpowering control. He was a friend. Then he wasn't. I tried all the ways I knew to get out of it. I tried to make jokes, to be charming, to set a boundary, to reason, to say no."
MORE: Sexual assault survivor turns 'deepest secret' into documentary 'Second Assault'
"I didn't want it to escalate to violence," she continued. "I now know it was already sexual violence, but I was afraid he would become physically violent."
"I checked out of my body," she wrote. "I couldn't process it. I couldn't believe that it happened. That it could happen."
Following the incident, Hargitay said that she "removed it from my narrative" and "minimized" her experience, especially while building Joyful Heart, an organization she founded aimed at "transforming society's response to sexual assault, domestic violence, and child abuse in the U.S."
She wrote that it wasn't until "things started shifting in me" that she began telling those closest to her about her experience. "They were gentle and kind and careful, but their naming it was important," she said. "Then I had my own realization. My own reckoning."
Now, as Hargitay approaches 60, the actress said she is "able to see clearly what was done to me."
"I understand the neurobiology of trauma," she wrote. "Trauma fractures our mind and our memory. The way a mirror fractures."
The actress also shared her hope for others who have had the same experience, saying that she wants people "to be able to talk about sexual assault the same way they now talk about cancer."
MORE: Sexual assault survivor shares 3 things she wants victims to know"Tell someone you've survived cancer, and you're celebrated. I want the same response for sexual assault survivors. I want no shame with the victim," Hargitay said.
She also said that justice for her would be an "acknowledgment and an apology" from the person who assaulted her.
"This is a painful part of my story," she said. "The experience was horrible. But it doesn't come close to defining me, in the same way that no other single part of my story defines me."
You can seek help by calling the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 800-656-HOPE(4673) to be connected with a trained staff member from a sexual assault service provider in your area.
