WATCH: 'Anxious mom's' photo series shines light on maternal mental health
(Editor's note: Oct. 10 is World Mental Health Day. This story originally ran on Oct. 4, 2018.)
One Encinitas, California mom of triplets is battling anxiety. And she wants other moms on the same road to know they are not alone.
Desiree Fortin's Instagram photo series "Confessions of the Anxious Mama" aims to do just that.
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Lack of sleep is like a poison. Like all new moms the sleep deprivation kicked in hard when the triplets were born. It was a whole new level of exhaustion and the culprit of my postpartum depression and anxiety. One night when the babies were just weeks old. I had just finished nursing Charlize. I cradled her in my arms and dosed off. And by dosed off I mean, I fell into a deep hard sleep. Suddenly, frantically, I woke up, shouting “we forgot to feed the babies.” I startled Ryan as I jumped out of bed without even realizing I had Charlize in my arms. I remember Ryan shouting “Babe. No!” as if he was watching a slow motion film. Fortunately, Charlize was cradled in my left arm so she slipped right into the bed, but if she was in my right arm, she would have fallen on the floor. My sleep deprivation put me into a delirium. I was exhausted all the time. This moment told me lies about who I was early on as a new Mom and instilled fear in my heart. Sleep is a need. It is medicine to our soul. It helps us stay healthy. I was not prepared for the lack of sleep that would intrude my being and ruin my functionality as a Mom. It heightened my anxiety and put me into a depression. I wanted to be in bed all day, but I couldn’t. I was a Mom to three tiny newborns who needed me. I felt so incapable. Ashamed. I had no clue what I was doing. The triplets suffered from GERD, which didn’t help. Feedings required extra help and individual attention. I often wondered how God could entrust me with all 3 of them. I hated feeling like I needed help, like I couldn’t be a mother on my own. But what I learned is that it takes a village to be a good mom. I needed to ask for help. I needed to go on meds to help me function. I needed a Mommy helper. I needed to do things that would help me get through such a hard season. My babies are toddlers now and I can tell you, I still need my sleep. If I am not getting the sleep I need I turn into a monster. I have less patience and am sometimes reminded of all the lies I believed about myself back when my babes were newborns. However, what I’m reminded of more than anything, is that, it takes a village and it’s okay to ask for help.
A post shared by Desiree Fortin (@theperfectmom) on Apr 21, 2018 at 4:09pm PDT
"I’m a big proponent of sharing your heart and being vulnerable. I wish I had that when I was knee-deep in postpartum depression," she told "Good Morning America."
That depression started soon after her triplets, now three, were born. "I wasn't myself. I saw a doctor and started taking medication," she said. "I was really lonely and I felt like there was a stigma. I was embarrassed. "I waited so long to be a mom desired it so deeply, now I had not one but three children."
Fortin struggled to conceive and had her triplets through IVF.
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I hated breastfeeding. There. I said it. When my triplets were born I experienced some complications and nearly lost my life. My Doctor told me I would likely not be able to breastfeed, but miraculously my body produced enough milk for all 3 babies. It was such a miracle and I was so proud of my body for functioning the way it was supposed to. I came to the NICU everyday with milk that I pumped the night before and I would take turns nursing the triplets hoping to experience “the bond” I often heard about. When we finally came home with our babies, I pumped exclusively. The triplets all had GERD, which made feedings stressful because each baby needed individual attention. And I was already so exhausted, pumping didn’t help. But I kept telling myself I needed to do this for my babies. I felt like I would be failing them (and myself) otherwise. A “friend”even told me that “formula is poison.” What a disappointment I would be if I chose to stop. The weeks continued to go by and I was in a fog. I knew I wasn’t myself. I started to despise breastfeeding and even felt jealous of my husband as he laid in bed while I stuck a machine to my boobs. There was such a tug-a-war in my heart. I felt so ashamed and embarrassed because I didn’t want to breastfeed anymore. Guilt can ruin you. When the babies were 3 months old I finally saw my Doctor to seek help for my postpartum anxiety and depression. It was one of the hardest steps, but the best thing I could have done for myself. I needed help. I was exhausted, in a depression, just not my normal self. The very first thing she suggested was to stop breastfeeding. She even wrote me a prescription that said “stop breastfeeding.” I felt like she gave me permission to stop. So I did. If you take anything from this, take this: Fed is best. Breastfed. Formula fed. It doesn’t matter. Either way, you’re an amazing mom. Surround yourself with people who will support you because you need that, especially as a Mom. Ultimately, we are all working hard to raise good humans, so let’s stand together Mama’s and support each other. ?? Tee: @themomculture Necklace: @madewithlovebyangie code: THEFORTINTRIO 10% off
A post shared by Desiree Fortin (@theperfectmom) on May 9, 2018 at 11:41am PDT
When the triplets were about a year old, she felt well enough to go off the medication. Then they turned 2.
She went back on medication and started feeling better again.
And then her daughter nearly drowned.
"There were four adults at the pool when it happened," she said. "It can happen to anyone."
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I recently read an article written by a brave Mama who lost her precious son to drowning just a couple weeks before Charlize’s near drowning accident. Her name is @nicolehughes8 and she is a courageous mama. The facts in her article were all the same facts I, too, discovered after Charlize’s accident. Facts that had me in tears. Facts that made me angry. Facts that I felt I should have known. Facts that are alarming to me. Facts that could have been my reality. • Drowning is the leading cause of death in ages 1-4. A child can drown in under a minute. It is incredibly quick and it is silent. • I remember at the hospital, over and over, having to tell the details of the accident. “How long was she under?” Each time, I would say, or utter really because the words were sickening coming out of my mouth. “20 seconds maybe. I’m not really sure.” To be honest I have no clue how long she was under. Long enough for her lips to turn blue. Long enough to spend the night at @radychildrens hospital because she was at risk for dry drowning. Long enough to say “My child almost drowned.” • This accident was the hardest life lesson I have experienced as a Mother. You don’t think something like this can happen to you. You take all the precautions. You’re like a hawk whenever you go anywhere with your children. You’re a good Mom. BUT Accidents happen. Tragedies happen. • My daughter is alive. I am fortunate. Other mamas, like @nicolehughes8, @audreyeatsrocks, and @morganebeck have to learn how to face the days ahead without their babies. My heart grieves with them. And while I hate that these mamas are in truly such an undeniable pain, I commend them because they are standing in strength and taking their loss and trying to reach the hearts of people to help prevent these types of accidents. I will stand with these women and do what I can to help. They are strong, they are brave, and they need our prayers. • Tune into the @todayshow today. @morganebeck and @millerbode bravely share their hearts of loss as they share their mission of water safety!!! See my stories for details!! Tee: @lovedbyhannahandeli & @themomculture
A post shared by Desiree Fortin (@theperfectmom) on Jul 30, 2018 at 11:51am PDT
The incident, she said, pushed her into an anxiety that she's been dealing with ever since.
"We go through seasons and challenges where we don't know what to do," she said. "I hope more than anything that people who do see this are truly encouraged to know they are not alone."
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Where do you go to hide to deep breathe before you go all monster on your kids? To inhale a sandwich or a homemade cookie so you don’t have to share? My bathroom break moments are usually always the deep breathing kind of moments. Although every now and then I just need to peacefully eat a peanut butter cup. My kids are far from perfect and they really know how to throw a good tantrum. Those moments can be incredibly overwhelming. They are a trigger for my anxiety and sometimes result in panic attacks. After going to therapy last summer, I learned a lot about myself and how to help my anxiety. Sometimes excusing myself from the chaos is the best thing for me, and for my kids. There have even been times where I have gone into our garage and screamed, sometimes cursed. Not my proudest moments, but sometimes stepping away from the chaos is the answer at that moment. I may even just need a “come to Jesus” bathroom moment so I respond in love to my kids and breathe normally. I have also learned the value of actually taking a real break. And by break I mean going to target alone, getting coffee, having some kid free time. There is no shame in taking time for yourself. I have learned that by taking care of myself and allowing myself breaks (guilt free) is healthy for me and I’m a better mom because of it. Today our morning started off bad and it just got worse after Daddy left for work. Even my “come to Jesus” moments in the bathroom weren’t helping my attitude. I have a gym membership that offers childcare so I decided to take the kids to gym. I had no plans of exercising. I spent the entire hour and a half laying on the couch in their lobby. I didn’t even feel guilty about it. I just needed a break. Be encouraged to do something for yourself. And find your hiding place to deep breathe, eat treats, and have your own “come to Jesus” moments because sometimes that’s just what is needed. After all, we are all just trying to raise good humans and sometimes that means taking a break because it helps us become a better Mom. • • • Tee: @themomculture Necklace: @madewithlovebyangie CODE: THEFORTINTRIO 10%off Letter board: @rivi.co
A post shared by Desiree Fortin (@theperfectmom) on May 25, 2018 at 7:35pm PDT
Fortin said the response to the series has been "mostly positive. People who have been struggling are encouraged by what I'm sharing."
