Rachael Kirkconnell is sharing her side of her split from Matt James after four years together.
While appearing on the Jan. 29 episode of the "Call Her Daddy" podcast, Kirkconnell, who met James on season 25 of "The Bachelor," said she's "doing OK" and that "some days are better than others" after their breakup.
"It's different every day," she said. "One day, I'm feeling kind of empowered and I'm like, 'You know what? It's OK. I'm excited to be on my own,' and then the next day, I can barely get out of bed and I just miss him and I'm sad about everything, so yeah. Just comes and goes."
James shocked many fans earlier this month when he announced in an Instagram post that he and Kirkconnell were no longer together.
In the caption of the post, James wrote, "Father God, give Rachael and I strength to mend our broken hearts. Give us a peace about this decision to end our relationship that transcends worldly understanding. Shower our friends and family with kindness and love to comfort us. And remind us that our Joy comes from you, Lord 💔."
Kirkconnell claimed that James shared the breakup post for the world to see "two or three hours after" they had privately called it quits while on a trip together in Tokyo.
Kirkconnell said she saw the post right before she was on a flight where she wouldn't have service for 12 hours, leaving her "freaking out" and "in total shock."
Of James' post reading like a prayer, she said, "I guess it almost seemed like saying it like a prayer was the easier way to say it than to say something real. Not that it wasn't real, but just something authentic to our actual relationship, but it's very him."
"I don't know if it was out of just him being so worked up, if it was out of anger, or if it was one of those things where he felt like he needed to do it to really finally just put a nail in the coffin, but I have spoken with him since all of that, and I do know that he definitely acknowledges that that was not the right decision," Kirkconnell said.
She added, "I don't want people thinking that, like, he's this bad guy or that he's like not, I don't know, considerate of my feelings or whatever, 'cause he is a good guy at the end of the day."
As for what led to the split, Kirkconnell said they were butting heads in Tokyo, which led to a serious argument about compatibility issues in their relationship and marriage.
"He said that at the end of the day there were just qualities about me that he worries about having in a wife. Like at the end of the day, like, there are things that we aren't compatible with…" Kirkconnell said.
She added, "And yeah, it was just one of those things where he I think just had this realization that I should want to propose to you by this time. Like, at this point in our relationship, I should be wanting those things and I should be ready for that. But I'm not still, I still don't feel like we're ready or I don't feel like I'm ready. I don't know if I ever see myself proposing to you. I can't actually see myself married to you. He said that, you know, maybe one day he would get there, but he doesn't feel ready now."
Kirkconnell said she told James that after four years together, he should know if she was the one and feel ready to take the next step because they knew each other better than anyone else.
"He came to the conclusion that he didn't think it was me, and that he said, like, he just didn't want me to end up resenting him by wasting more of my time if it wouldn't happen," she continued. "And yeah, he just said, you know, 'You're beautiful, smart and funny, and ... you'll find someone, you'll find a guy that will love you for you.' But yeah, he just didn't think that it was him."
James gave his final rose to Kirkconnell at the end of his season, but when filming for the season concluded, the two called it quits after photos of Kirkconnell attending an "Old South" antebellum plantation-themed party in 2018 came to light.
Kirkconnell addressed the controversy in an Instagram video at the time and apologized for how "offensive and racist" her actions were. She also pledged to "utilize my platform to amplify voices that are extremely knowledgeable in these subjects."
By the time the "After the Final Rose" special aired in March 2021, the pair were broken up.
After the special, in May 2021, James spoke to WSJ Magazine and said that he and Kirkconnell were giving their relationship another shot.
The reunited couple went on to share moments from their relationship on social media, including their food adventures together.
Kirkconnell said in Wednesday's podcast episode that she doesn't think she and James could ever reconcile and get back together now.
"I don't think I can, which is sad. I don't think I can, 'cause I think when someone says those things that he said, you know, 'I don't think you're my person. I don't see us getting married,' I think that's when you have to call it quits," she explained.
Kirkconnell also said she doesn't see how she could be with James again after how he handled their split, saying she "forgive[s] him" but feels like he "disrespected" her.
"It's just one of those things where you have to stand up for yourself even if you don't want to," she continued. "Of course there's part of me that wishes we could just get back together and pretend that this never happened, but that's not the case, and I think as hard as it is, I think the right decision is to stand up for myself and be on my own."
"Good Morning America" has reached out to James for comment.
