It’s been a little over a year since Granger Smith and his wife, Amber, lost their 3-year-old son, River, in a tragic drowning accident.
In a new interview with People, Granger Smith looks back on his healing journey over the last year, and confronts the grief and guilt he still experiences today.
"[Returning to performing after River’s death] was terrible. But I knew that would be a critical part of my healing process, and my gut instinct was right," he recalled, adding that the worst part was imagining that the audience was "staring at me like, 'There’s the failed father up there.'"
MORE: Country singer Granger Smith delivers tragic news of 3-year-old son River's deathThough Granger and Amber Smith did everything they possibly could to save River’s life, both parents admitted that they still struggle with guilt in the wake of the tragedy.
"I know that there’s going to be a time when I’m going to forgive myself, but I’m not there yet," Granger Smith told the outlet.
"I don’t know if we ever truly will be able to forgive ourselves. I pray that we can. I hope we can," Amber Smith added.
Granger Smith said that the experience of losing a child and the grief that ensued have been transformative for him, both as a person and as a songwriter.
Fans can already hear that shift in his latest release, "That’s Why I Love Dirt Roads," and it’ll continue to be present in his next musical project, which is due out in September.
MORE: Bode and Morgan Miller teach their six-month-old to swim after drowning death of daughter"There is a lot of feeling from him in this album," the singer acknowledged, though he says there won’t be many direct references to River in the project.
The singer said that through his grief journey he has "truly shed layers."
"I feel wiser. I feel more in tune spiritually," he explained. "I feel more aware of our present moment and the value in the present moment, the value in the current breath that we have."
